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Frequently asked Questions...

Q. Why are your teeth so white?

A. Because, I can afford the best dentists, I also told the dentist that I would sue him if he didn’t surpass my expectations, which are naturally very high.  I mentioned Rogers v Whitaker* in order to secure better treatment.

Q. Why do your family law matters take so much time?

A. There are several reasons.  First the courts are overloaded with family law matters. I like to take my time because they’re quite lucrative and besides, it’s essential to get it right.

Q. Why do BSL charge so much?

A. You want the best don’t you?  How would you like to see your lawyer pull up at the court house parking lot in a second hand 18 year old, crazed grey station wagon?  Then walk into the court with a suit from the Salvos and unpolished shoes with no heels.  Good apparel, like fantastic legal advice come at a price.

Q. I've been charged with having unprotected (censored).

A. It's quite clear to me that you're not guilty but like getting your house re-plumbed, it's gonna take time and money and lots of it to clear those charges. The thought of an innocent man going to prison for something he hasn't done seems so... so universally wrong. In the back of a Bugati indeed.

Q. What does “out of character” really mean when BSL uses it in court?

A. I like to run this one out because it was a great way to mitigate a sentence. You had been charged with drink driving and slapping your girl. Like I said to you, sit there and shake your head in disbelief, even wipe a tear away with a delicately pointed finger. That's when we whip out the references that saved your butt.  You've never done it before and you'd better not do it again. That's why it's out of character, that's how I help. That's what I do.

Q. I used BSL because of their straight up reputation. Can you explain tho, why did I get charged $5,000 when the fine was only $250 + $79 court costs. I could have defended myself!

A. Hellooooo. You didn't want a conviction recorded for your LRPCA remember. That's what we do, we work our magic in court and I'm sorry, but we do expect to get remunerated for it.

Q. I got billed $15,000 for the day but the hearing only took 11 minutes, that seems outrageous.

A. It's not remotely outrageous, this is starting to sound as though it's all about you. That's what I charge to spend a day in a stifling court room. You decided to plead guilty. What else was I supposed to do for the rest of the day? It's not like I could have ducked my head into the District Court and helped out. Besides, I needed to unwind. A lobster lunch at the Rocks followed by six bottles of 1986 Gewurtztraminer Vendange Tardive with my colleagues seemed essential. I recall that I was lucky just to break even.

Q. Most lawyers give you a "free" consultation, what happened to mine?

A. You would have received the full ten minutes you are entitled to for free. Obviously we decided to keep you as a client and started charging.

Q. I read how you coerced your dentist, is that ethical or even allowable.

A. Ethical? eh. My job is about getting done what needs to be done. Please don't lecture me on what's allowable, I get Hollingham v Head thrown at me all the time and I'm fed up with it.

Q. I've heard about this so called "humane approach" you take to law. It sounds like just more parasitic drivel.

A. It's easy to make caustic remarks about my law practice. However, we invest heavily in client sided solutions. People, training, theoretical scenario planning and such. This investment (which we hope to earn returns on) has helped us protect vulnerable clients that can afford to do so. The client needs to be able to choose this option and we're only to happy to lead the way. We really are the vanguard of civil rights protection, we just don't seek kudos nor attention to our magnanimous approach.

Q. When I went into your office I noticed that you were selling chocolates and lollies sitting in a large bowl in the middle of your foyer. Isn't that a bit crass?

A. Probably, but if we didn't sell them, our free loading clients would just eat them. It's easier to do that then litigate for their return.

Q. I just wonder what kind of car a rich lawyer chooses to drive around in.

A. What I'd like to drive around is different to what I drive around in. Most of my cars are second hand. Yes, that's right, I've never owned a new car, as you can see lawyers are regular people too. Quite often I accept a client's car as final payment. Right now I drive a Bugati but the tyres are so expensive it's not funny, still it's not bad. Certainly looks good parked in the Magistrates spot in the court house parking lot.

Q. Why is it that seniority amongst barristers is still so important. I find it a shame that some feel it is still necessary to wear full bottom wigs. Only a comment, not a question really.

A. Indeed. As a senior barrister myself I avoid bottom wigs at all costs unless it's for a dress up at a brothel. I much prefer the look and feel of the barristers wig. I loathe putting on a bench wig but prefer it to the FBW.

Q. Do you ever think about the negative aspects of the legal industry?

A. It's a good life, plenty of rewards and interesting work. What negative aspects?

Q. I always had the impression that BSL lawyers were parasitic bastards. I particularly remember your operation in my divorce. I was quite happy for my wife to take 82% of my earnings. That's right, all I wanted was 18%. After all, I earned all the money and owned my home before I met her and she had nothing... remember, she was only a (censored) before I took her in. It was an amicable break up and then you entered the scene. FUCK YOU.

A. Ahh yes, you said the same at court. Once I'd convinced your ex that she deserved more than 82% for putting up with you, she saw the light. I don't accept the argument that just because you were her carer etc., that she only deserved an unequitable cut like that. I agreed with you that she should have the bulk because she needed care. Quit whining mate, you're lucky she convinced me to leave you that $700 Volkswagen combi van for you to camp in.

Q. I'm still not sure how this happened Lex? Remember me, I had the contract, you said something about "complete failure of consideration". I recall that the contract was only worth about $9,700. I should have let it go, your bill came to $10,500!!

A. Don't be daft, look on the bright side, at least your $800 in front. It's about winning, not the damned cost of it.

Q. Do you do any pro bono work? I'm impoverished and being subjected to legal claims from a large company.

A. Only if there's a buck in it.

Q. What's the go with this "No win no pay", it sounds to good to be true. Like they say, "if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is".

A. It's quite simple, if we decide to accept instructions from you, then we go to court on your behalf with one of our junior or trainee solicitors. If you don't win, you don't have to pay us. What could be simpler??

Q. I don't know much about the law, I don't really think I need help but I do have a question. I went to the supermarket the other day and ordered some "seafood mix". I came back home to cook it and noticed that about 5% of my mix was actually ice blocks mixed in by accident. What can I do about it next time? Should I just ask them to be more careful?

A. I think we can help. You paid for seafood mix and you got water instead. I can think of a dozen legal authorities off hand. There are statutory provisions as well as numerous methods of relief in contract and tort, I won't bore you with "unjust enrichment" or any of the notable contract authorities.

Why should you have to ask them to be more careful, aren't you the customer? This reeks of negligence! You've contracted for seafood mix. You weren't able to inspect the contents of your parcel (Donaghue v Stevenson come to mind, hmm is a mussel a mollusc thus a snail?) and that's what you ought to get, no bones about it (except fish bones heh, heh). By the way, if you ate the mollusc, were you sick afterwards? Did you drink ginger beer with your meal?

Staff undergo rigorous training and the supermarket is prima facie, vicariously liable for the shortfall of its staff for starters. I could go on about this for hours. I'm deeply and genuinely upset for you, it really burrs me up, I say take 'em to the FC and see how funny they think it is then. Don't let them apologise or make an offer.

I'll start up the paperwork today. I'll send you a cost agreement straight away. Don't worry about the apparent astronomical figures in the right hand column, because you'll win this hands down, you'll only have to pay 25% of our costs. I say "how dare they". You've come to the right place mate.

Q. Censored.

A. Censored.

Q. The other night I went out for dinner and ordered the "Duck l'orange with truffles and red wine jus". I took it to mean that I would be getting more than one truffle. Feeling as though I should enhance this dish with a classic French wine I ordered a Château Latour Grand Vin, as you know it is a Premier Grand Cru Classé (First Growth) from the 1855 Bordeaux Classification. Instead of truffles as in plural, I got less then a full truffle. I feel this experience diminished the otherwise grand impact of the meal. I do feel somewhat slighted. Should I have paid for the meal.

A. You paid for it? Not only wouldn't I have paid for it, I would have refused to pay for the wine as well. One case says it all for me Baltic Shipping Co v Dillon. Give me a call on my private number (censored - only for my better clientele), it appears you have good taste in wine, but no common sense in how to get out of paying for it.

Q. I understand you're a lawyer to high profile identities, is that hard work?

A. Not really, they have the same problems as the little people. The big difference is that they're good payers, which means I'm happy to throw resources that I'd never consider for lessor customers. Of course that gets great results and gets me on television too which further broadens our already burgeoning customer base.

Q. Is it true you now own a wine operation because the original owners couldn't pay their bill.

A. I don't know where you got that information. It's true I have an interest in a vineyard, the rest is qualified privilege so I'll deny it.

Q. The thing I think I hate most about Blood Sucking Lawyers is that you will contract for something and then find some friggin insignificant loophole to get out of performing your end of the contract, like not paying for dinners or carpet cleaning etc., etfuckingcetera. It's no wonder you've got such a lousy name for yourselves.

A. It's a tool, practice makes perfect. That's why so many high profile and colourful identities choose us to defend them.

Q. I'm fed up with calling tradesmen and getting verbal guarantees that they'll be over in (give any time you like) only to have them not turn up at all for days in a row, even after further "yeah, sorry mate, I'll be there a dead cert at seven tomorrow morning". "Yep, sorry mate, got held up, I'll be there this arvo". "Yeah, I know, can't believe how time flies, I just had this really important job to do, I'll defo be there at seven tomorrow". Meanwhile, my house which isn't an urgent job, has had the crapper discharge shit all through the house. What can I do?

A. Call a plumber. Ha ha, just joking of course. Look, I'm loathe to give free advice here. Some of my best customers are tradesmen. A lot of them can afford the best there is. It's like getting a glazier to quote on windows, most of them just don't seem to be interested. I find it easier to move than get a trady. Sometimes I'm tempted to sue but because they can afford the best it's usually a shit fight. Once I actually sold my house to a trady, then when he'd changed the jumpers on the taps the next day, I bought it back. That's the way to do it.

Q. Why do you bastards have to milk everything it's worth. It's all about money isn't it!

A. I take umbrage to your comments. It's thoroughness that counts, the money comes later as a pleasant but essential reward for services well done.

Q. I just had you guys do a simple will for me and it cost $750 just for one friggin will. I could have downloaded one off the internet, what's the difference!

A. A personalised touch and about $750.

Q. Is there a code of ethics that you must abide by.

A. A good question. I had to look that up. I remember back at law school they hit us up with "Professional Conduct". It gets bandied about over drinks some times but I try and avoid those conversations personally.

Of course people claim that successful lawyers like myself rarely have the requisite amount of consideration for ethical conduct. People that form this opinion of myself of course are ill informed and don't have the information needed to fully appreciate the sort of conditions I am forced to work under. I like a lot of other "normal" people have bills to pay and mouths to feed. To set aside a lucrative opportunity for the sake of some pie in the sky ethics just isn't practical. I do my best but I just can't live by any code religiously.

Q. Sorry to harp on ethics but isn't ethical behaviour paramount?

A. Like I've already said, it's a nice thing to aim for and I do strive to be ethical, let's not forget that. I just don't think you can achieve a level of ethics that will please everyone. Can we move forward now.

Q. I'm an artist and I've had a solicitor order a painting from me. He wanted me to paint him in robes and a wig. I've done that but he says that's not what he contracted me for. He's crapping on about specific performance or something. Have I got a leg to stand on, after all, he ordered the painting and now doesn't want to pay for it.

A. That sounds about right, could almost be me. He's probably a barrister or a judge rather than a solicitor. Reading through the rest of your email it sounds as though he only wants to pay for the parts that are in line with what he specified. I wouldn't worry too much, just give in to him and put it down as a learning experience. Next time you get a solicitor that wants a painting, get the payment up front.

Q. What the hell makes a scumbag like you tick?

A. I just love bringing justice to the people. Three years of study and you too can help bring justice to the people.

Q. It gives me the shits seeing arseholes like you making money out of other people's misfortunes.

A. Try yoga.

Q. I hired you to help me in a legal fight over a contract agreement. Can you explain to me in lay mans terms how the law works in that area. I just didn't follow it the first time around. Can you frame it in a nutshell so to speak.

A. Sure. You take a hair and you split it and then give half to the lawyer on the other team. He splits the half hair and gives it back to you. You split the half hair into quarters and give it back to your "learned friend". He then splits the quarter and gives back an eighth of the hair. You split it again and give him a sixteenth. This goes on until your learned friend has run out of arguments on how to split the hair and you win.

The appeal then follows and so you need to take the other half of the hair...

A voir dire is like a wild card that can remove or add thickness to the hair. After a voir dire, you can end up with a hair of unknown thickness.

An expert witness is a bit like a shampoo that adds thickness, bounce and body to a hair so if your opponent has one, you'd better have one too cause you don't want them having more bounce than you do. The thicker the hair, the longer the case goes on for and thankfully the costs and bills go up exponentially.

Judges and Magistrates are like stylists and they can have an unpleasant affect on your shampoo (legal argument) and your follicle. This is because lawyers are not as high up as stylists, they're more like creative directors.

Authorities are like those pictures of tragic looking models in hair salons. You're like a customer sitting in that barber's chair and no matter how hard the creative director (your lawyer) wants the style to come out one way, the judge or stylist, has the help of your opponent to style your hair differently. This way you end up with a hair style that doesn't quite look like one of the tragic photos and is said to be distinguished. To own a distinguishing hair style may not be that good for your pocket or even the pocket of your opponent who also wants to have a say in the hair style business. Now your hair is styled into a crew cut or something else entirely but it's like the mirror at the hair dresser is foggy and only your creative director can see your hair style. This is called making new law and it's like creating a new hair style that heaps of people have argued long and hard for, to say how it ought to look.

You sit in that chair and hand out money in an attempt to also have a say how your hair should look. Only now, you don't fully own your hair and that means if you don't like the result, you go to a higher court where you hope the stylist there listens to your creative director and that it will be a favourable hearing, sort of hoping he'll use his comb rather than his clipper. This can go on until you get to the appellant division of the High Court, that's when the final hair style is determined unless you run out of money or hair earlier.

Q. What do you think of the raft of lawyer jokes going around?

A. Most of them really aren't that funny. I know, I know, I've heard the one about lawyers not thinking they're jokes. Really, read them and one or two might make you smile but none of them will make you laugh.

Q. Famous lawyers like yourself are said to make a fortune, is they hype really true because I'm thinking of going to law school.

A. You'll love it at law school if you're anything like me. Yes, I do make a good living from it but having said that, we are looking at ways of making BSL more profitable. We've hired a project manager to see where we can trim excess and to review critical processes to raise the bottom line. It hasn't been easy. We're on our second PM now because the first one wanted to reduce executive perks.

Q. I'm in a dispute with my neighbour over, what's new, our fence. I don't think that the drama is worth it but I wouldn't mind claiming some costs back for the fence. It's only $450.

A. It's not just $450!! Do you want to spend the rest of your life stewing over that money. Do you want to just let them "win" all because they said they didn't want to pay half? It's more than that mate. How do you think you'll go waving at them over your fence, trying to appear to be nice when you already know it's eating you alive. Don't let the hate and your utter contempt for them be screwed over by some legal fees. Say to them "Right, so you don't want to pay half then. Fine! I know Lex at Blood Sucking Lawyers, that's right, the law firm. He says you can pay the $450 you owe me now and we can let it be, otherwise it's gonna cost you thousands in court costs and you'll wish you'd been reasonable in the first instance.

If you don't act and then they sell the house and move out, you'll know that not only did they screw you over, you helped raise the price of their land and now they're laughing twice as hard as you. There's no substitute for legal action and satisfaction.

Q. I'm an artist and I've had a contract drawn up by a lawyer who has put in an order for a painting, should I be concerned.

A. Bring the contract down to us. We'll charge to read it but I think it would be worth it. I would be alarmed but not concerned.

Q. Last night I went to the movies. I sat down but then decided to stand up to adjust my frock. As I stood up the damned seat retracted and when I went to sit down I missed the seat and ended up on the floor. My phone fell out of my hand and broke. Surely but surely the cinema has to pay for a new phone.

A. Look, I would love to take your money off you, I really would. However, in a case such as this. I doubt you'd be able to pay for my services and even if I did, I might get reported to the bar association for it. Two things. The retracting seat is so glaringly obvious that I doubt you'd get passed the first mention in a local court. Point two, you would need to prove that the phone broke when you dropped it. Don't be such a dumbass.

Q. I graduated a few years ago and I'm really struggling to find a good job as a lawyer, I notice in your jobs@BSL that you have nothing going. Is the market diminishing?

A. Yes it is. Whilst we don't make a big noise about it but we outsource a lot of our work to India. Obviously we don't do that for good clients, our bread and butter enquiries that don't make it passed our ground floor paralegals goes offshore. The work gets scanned and sent over and we demand a brief or statement of claim etc., within 24 hours. We then sit on it for a week or two and then advise the client. You could really boost your career by going to India. You won't get paid much but you'll soon build up your experience to get a job back in Oz. The other thorn in the side of lawyers is arbitration where lawyers aren't in because of so called concerns that we will only unnecessarily complicate things (what a crock of shit).

Q. I was in court the other day and noticed a barrister representing (censored) from (censored). Whilst his general appearance was alright, his collar was quite grotty. To me this took away from the whole court experience. I noticed that the briefing solicitors shoes had what could only be described as spots of paint on them. If I was paying for this I'd feel as though I had been quite let down. Whilst I'm not a fashion nazi, I would expect my legal representatives to be well dressed and not have the appearance that we interrupted their house painting or the barby. In fact I believe I'd find it quite comforting to know that my counsel didn't paint his own house.

A. Here at BSL, we agree with you. If you're going to pay 15k per day, I can assure you that we will have polished shoes, starched and ironed attire that isn't threadbare or otherwise. Our Armani suits are always in tip top condition. We are the consummate professionals. Moreover, our Odgers etc., will be covered and be the current issue, not dog eared (very passe) and certainly not the one we bought second hand for law school and brought to the job. I myself noticed a north coast counsel with an Odgers no less than three editions out of date last week. Personally, I'd be quite distressed seeing that as a client.

Q. What is it with lawyers, why do they have to speak in such a lengthy fashion.

A. Ahh yes, the old lawyer joke, why use 13 words when a 1000 will do. You need to remember that language is the tool of the lawyer. Let me illustrate with a quote from a worthy tome "Drafting Its application to conveyancing and commercial documents" 1973 by Robinson "The language form of legal documents is highly disciplined". I could go on but that would belabor the point. It is precision of language that removes the ambiguities so often part of our day to day language. As Dr Robinson points out in his scenario "what makes a good lawyer, is it one that never goes to court or the one who always wins" (paraphrased). We lawyers are sometimes accused and dare I say it, often without thought for the precision of the language used to reduce ambiguity. What we are trying to convey is language that cannot be misconstrued. That's all. For more information you might care to read chapter 7 starting on page 63 of Robinson's book. I expect that you might not find it an easy book to get. I happen to have ready access to it because it's a personal favourite. Of course BSL has a law library comparable to the law library in many universities; all for the benefit of our clients and in house tuition and learning programs.

Q. I find it difficult to believe that the attire of some barristers seems to focus on making a statement. Either that or laundry costs for legal attire must be astronomical. I witnessed barrister milling outside court today that looked as though someone had urinated on their; correct me if I'm wrong "Wessex band" and let it dry. I nearly threw up at the thought of it.

A. Don't ask me. We don't allow anything like that and we demand that our staff take some personal pride in their appearance. I've seen what you're talking about and it's bad for the game. It looks as though they've never cleaned their kit in any number of appearances and pleased as punch about it. Once again, it must be off putting for a client to see and smell their counsel and know that none of what they pay for includes a freshly washed and starched band and collar. It does make you wonder what sort of condition the clobber under the gown looks like.

Q. I was in an accident the other day and it was big enough to be on tv. I can't believe how soon after the accident I was getting calls from solicitors asking if I needed help in suing the other party.

A. Yes, the speed at which I can move when a good prima facie claim is at stake amazes even myself. Thank you for the compliment.

Q. Have you ever thought of getting a government job?

A. Yeah, the first few years of my career were tough. Low pay and long hours, like 40k in my first year, 10 hour days for five days a week. The second year was barely any better 43k and 10 hour days. Year three I got a break from a Sydney law firm 60k and ten hour days. The government sector is good, don't get me wrong. I could be on 80 - 110k working an eight hour day with all the perks. However, having made my way up the ladder knocking every other bastard off that I could I'm laughing. It's a better life if you can take it.

Q. A mate of mine had a prang the other day and he was getting out of his car to exchange numbers etc., when the other bloke says "That's definitely your fault mate, I'm a solicitor and I can tell you now, you'll lose this one if you think you can make something of it. Give me $600 now to cover the cost of my repairs and I'll forget all about it". My mate didn't pay up which really pissed this solicitor off. He went to the cops and told them the scenario and they said it was the solicitor's fault. Can you believe the gall of this arsehole.

A. Yes I can. Strike while the iron is hot. We legal eagles are trained to detect any sort of weakness and then exploit it. I probably would have made sure I wasn't in the wrong before I went down that road though. Mind you, under the pressure of the moment or the "agony of the moment", he probably thought offense was the best defence. Probably a fairly junior solicitor in my opinion.

Q. If I wanted to buy an old law book for my Dad what would you recommend?

A. Get him an old copy of Wharton's Law Dictionary or Blacks Dictionary of Law or any of the old dictionaries. No focus on family law, contract or criminal law. A nice thing just to have lying around. You could always have a look around on The Lawbook Exchange.

Q. I've heard that the famous BSL is expanding into certain other areas such as celebrity law.

A. Good news travels fast. Yes, we are embarking on several areas of potential growth. Whilst we already have many global celebrities, due to our expertise in comparative law amongst the raft of other specialty areas, we do have a new focus on "Reputation Management". We've already had requests from several large nightclubs and of course celebrities that need the reputations carefully managed and protected. It's an area that is lucrative and of course business building. Celebrities often bring their friends into the fold by word of mouth. We keep pretty quiet about our customers because it helps protect them and stop other lawyers from trying to poach them once they know who we service. If you can control this area, it can be wildly successful.

Q. I have a mate who just completed his law degree and he's now on the dole and completely disillusioned.

A. It's not an easy game to break into. It took me three years to crack 60k which wasn't easy with my tastes in life. I wanted all the perks like expensive prostitutes, fast cars and a nice house. I can afford some of them now. I think I mentioned earlier that I drive a second hand car. You have to wait and persist. Success will come if you're good enough, ruthless and can obfuscate everything, then stick with it.

Q. Where should I go to law school?

A. It depends upon what you want to do. If you want to go to a great law firm like BSL then you'll need to go to one of the top universities in Melbourne or Sydney. We don't hire anyone who doesn't have HDs or Ds from the best. We want a minimum of eight HDs, the rest must be Ds. If you pass with Cs, Ds and HDs you won't get into the big firms. If you just want some legal knowledge, it may not really matter.

Q. What's your typical day like Lex?

A. There's no such thing as a typical day here except that they're full of hard work. Mondays are frenetic. I usually turn up a few hours late because I've either been talked into having brekko at Bondi or somewhere exclusive. I make sure that the junior solicitors have had their daily kick in the arse and are sent off to court for a list day. I loathe criminal law so hardly even talk to the solicitors but make sure they have the billing component right. I might try and organise the new paralegal with the big tits to take over the arse kicking but she says it's not her skill set. I shake my head, WTF, "skill set" another new age term I need to get used to, why can't people stick to good old latin maxims?

Settle down and have a cup of coffee and some cake. Talk to the partners and see how their weekends went. Talk shit about how many shiney tops we've scored and nod head and smile with approval at "family stories". I try and cut chit chat about family to the bare minimum but the family blokes like to include the kids whilst they check out the line on the back of the gopher's stockings.

Lunch time. Head off to the Rocks, settle in for a full on three hour lunch with the partners. Decide to try a 2005 Torbreck, The Laird Shiraz but get mildly frustrated because I also wanted to have fish for lunch. Settle for the rib eye and The Laird and compromise by having a crab entree with a few schooees of lager.

Head back to the office and pick up a few briefs. Give them to my secretary to read and make notes on whilst I breeze through a gentleman's magazine. The secretary gives me the gist of a previous brief and loads me up on the crap the briefing solicitor has got to say for himself. We laugh at how poor the brief is and send it back suggesting the solicitor should try and grasp the fundamentals of case law before making nonsensical presumptions about the value of a particular case. I normally like to put a parting shot in about the differences between ratio and obiter. I then make sure the girl also sends an updated account to make sure I get paid for wasting my time.

I then run over a brief for an upcoming hearing. This is ten minutes where I really earn my pay.

I then knock off the secretary before going home.

I'll jump Tuesday just now.

On Wednesdays, I normally find myself in District or Supreme Court. I've got to make sure I get to work on time which isn't always easy when you eat out for breakfast. There's nothing worse than apologising to a judge whilst you're opening a brief and wiping hollandaise sauce from the corner of your mouth. I like to get some exercise so I'll often walk to the courts if I have time. I throw on the horse hair doile/rug and look for my briefing solicitor. There's usually a bit of banter about the weather and our mistresses and of course then we turn to the serious business of doing the intellectual battle of verbose hair splitting etc. I never get tired of legal argument, it's one of the few joys I have in life. Nothing quite measures up to having a lengthy diatribe about the meaning of one word. I always laugh when I read ratio about the use of the word "wilful". It seems so simple, but I've seen case law that goes on for 16 pages on it, right up to and including whether two morons under a house set fire to it wilfully or not.

Anyway, enough of the pleasures. When you boil it down to gravy you'll always get some horseshit about admissibility thrown at you. I wish it were still as easy as it was in Hollingham v Head back in the good old days when the profession was properly respected.

Now you need to really think hard and remember which Justice said what and who agreed to something and who wants to shove your argument up your arse. Like I said, life isn't much fun. Walk out of court and back to the office. Sometimes I get a taxi though. A lot of people think being a top notch barrister is easy "all you do is talk shit", yeah right, but it can really tucker you out after a day under the microscope. It's not easy finding a reason to object to something you allowed earlier because it suited your purpose. It's all too easy to contradict yourself and that can be embarrassing "Tit for tat Mr Loci" says the Judge reminding you that you nearly cornholed your opposition for the same thing just ten minutes earlier.

Get back to the office and throw the horse on the hat rack. Get a few stiff drinks from the secretary and then get one into her before you go to the pub and on to a strip joint to unwind.

So that goes on for the rest of the week except for Fridays which should be National Barrister's Day, I won't work on Fridays unless there's some quid pro quo. Sometimes you've got to jump on a plane and go to Canberra for a High Court challenge but that's beyond the scope of this treatise just for now. As I've probably said earlier, it's not an easy life but it can be rewarding.

Q. You seem to be pretty down on other solicitors and barristers.

A. Certainly not, it's part of the game. Generally solicitors get on fairly well with each other. It's fair to say that you'll rarely see them arguing in public... usually out the front of a court house. They are very courteous and can yet hate each others guts. I just like picking holes in the defences of lessor lawyers, I much prefer it when they are competent though.

Q. I know that you touched on this before but is much legal work being outsourced?

A. Hell yes. That's what allows many law firms to increase their bottom line. Sorry, but unless your in the top 10% of law graduates, you're probably going to end up working for a small outfit west of buttfuck. The top graduates get the good jobs and probably get entrusted into checking the stuff that comes back from Mumbai. After all, that work needs to be thoroughly checked for accuracy. Face it, they're cheap because they've got law degrees from largely non de script universities. Companies can outsource without having to pay some graduate who's going to be entitled to a day off, sick leave etc. For that same low wage, they can have some bloke in an office off shore, hopefully checking Australian authorities doing a lot more work. Should said chap fall over from exhaustion they can replace him. Face it, there's a huge trend for call centres blah, blah, blah to go offshore to try and beat the costs of employing locals. I can see the day when all you need is a pleasant face at the front counter for your walk in clients to talk to. Once the interview is over, all the stuff goes into the scanner and bingo. The customer still gets charged at the full rate so that I can still have my three hour lunch breaks at my favourite restaurants. The next thing will be AVL in courts for offshore solicitors. Hell, the system is already in daily use anyway, why not extend it.

Q. I just went through a divorce. You were unbelievably vicious at the hearing. Why did you have to be like that?

A. Are you getting another divorce already? It's all about getting what you can for your client. If you let emotion cloud your judgment or think about the other person and how they might have to struggle to cope or never see their kids again, you wouldn't be any good. I don't put a face to a statement of claim etc., that's why I'm at the top of my game. When you hire a lawyer, aren't you expecting them to get you what is yours?

Q. I used to think lawyers had some purpose but after meeting you, I just think you're nothing but fertilizer!

A. Thank you. I've always felt that my actions and words would be the fertilizer of life that would make people think AND grow. Thank you for taking the time to write and express your view.

Q. I can't believe you, you arsehole. You have to put a spin on everything you scumbag parasite.

A. Hmm, you're quite tense mate. Chug down a coldy and get on with it. At least I try and see the good in people.

Q. My understanding is that there's a going rate for just about everything. For fast food restaurants it's about $16 an hour and it goes up for all sorts of staff. Now I learn that the going rate for a solicitor is around $350 an hour. Shit, how can you bastards justify that?

A. Only our junior solicitors get paid those sort of wages. Are you asking why I earn more than my junior solicitors or their rate of pay? I'll take a stab at answering your question. Law isn't easy, admission to the bar, professional liability insurance, paralegals and secretaries all come at a cost, and so too does good cognac and prostitutes etc. The juniors have to start somewhere you know. I myself have considerable legal wealth and talent. There are times when you know you need to pay for a result and you get what you pay for.

Q. Does a solicitor's rate of pay go up just for court work?

A. Not in the case of BSL, we charge the same fantastic rates all the way through your legal battle. The one thing to remember is that as a high profile lawyer like myself, I can usually only take on one legal challenge per day for the obvious reasons. Thus, on a hearing day, where the hearing may only take a part day, I need to charge for the whole day.

Q. They say going to court is stressful.

A. Not really, I find it quite calming. Knowing that I'll be able to keep the wolves from the door for a little longer has a soothing, almost soporific effect.

Q. Not you, is it stressful for the client?

A. Oh, sorry, I should have realised. It all depends on your case and the strength of it. Personally, I enjoy the repartee of court work and suggest that the client also gets into the swing of things. On the most part it should be quite a pleasant and informative experience for those lacking any jurisprudential skills.

Q. I notice that in your office you don't have the usual value adding that one might expect like the bowl of complimentary refreshments, or magazines etc., I can't really say I'm inspired with your client sided approach.

A. Ah yes, I remember you. I'll say it again, if you want clowns in suits handing out party bags, or tvs screening the football and the horse racing there are other places to go. Our client sided approach is to have some peace and quiet in the lobby for reflection. You would have come to us for legal advice, not some high priced coffee bar at the Cross I'm sure.

Q. Do you do public motivational speaking at all?

A. It's an opportunity I'm looking into. I have done some public speaking, most notably a group of prostitutes at King's Cross that felt that they could use some motivation to value add to their services. Also spoke at a bus driver's convention and various collectors.

Q. The other day I got a parking ticket. I want to say how unfair it is. I was only parked two hours in a one hour parking zone and I had a good reason for being late, that being that I was having lunch and the service was slow. I should defend this outrage shouldn't I?

A. Yes. I myself enjoy a three hour lunch break and see no reason why I should have to leave my fellow diners just to go and rub the chalk off my tyres. It's getting so bad I'm taking a paralegal to lunch with me just so that she can do all the partners cars at one time. It should be a human right and I have approached the HEROC so that Australia can sign up to an international treaty that would see parking areas have a minimum of four hours.

Q. I see you're aware of the myriad of "lawyer jokes" and the general comments directed at lawyers etc. Does that ever burr you up?

A. I've heard the jokes and received the cards in the post on my birthday etc. It doesn't really get to me, some of it is quite flattering in a way. Lawyers are often regarded as party breakers than party makers. I believe that we do the best job we can for those people that hire us. Of course the losing party will always blame the other party's lawyer for being a hair splitting person and their own lawyer for not doing enough. It's a situation you can't really win and I don't bother. I've made millions by doing the right thing, it's amazing that this sort of success is admired in by some entrepreneurial circles but not in others. It's that sort of inconsistency that makes me laugh back even harder.

Q. I see you try to avoid getting out of paying for anything yourself, what sort of double standard is that. What would happen if your customers tried to avoid paying.

A. Well, it's the sort of sport that I'm equipped to deal with and I do try and help my clients do the same. The beauty of it is, they can't really do it back to me because if they had the skills to do so, they wouldn't have needed me in the first place. Needless to say, I don't push it. I have a chain of restaurants and whore houses that I never upset.

Q. Since the beginning of time, lawyers have been described as being liars, crooks and soulless hell-spawn. You seem to fit this stereotype quite comfortably.

A. I think I've addressed this sufficiently. It's a stereotype borne of ignorance of the law and people largely dissatisfied by outcomes they weren't happy with, nearly always based on their own prejudices.

Q. Musical composers have said when borrowing music for "rebirthing" as "reinterpretation". How do you see it.

A. As a gold mine.

Q. The rich and famous seem to be above the law!

A. Nonsense, they get caught doing stuff all the time. They can just afford the best, like me to help get them off.

Q. I read this on another site: "Lawyers, attorneys are different from the rest of people. That's the reason why singles always feel hard to date a lawyer." I'm thinking of getting into law but I still want a life.

A. Of course we're different. Sure, it's not always easy to get a date but money does help. That's why I put every effort I could into getting where I am. Now, rather than going home on a Friday night like my colleagues, I visit a whore house, get my rocks off and then go to the pub. On the weekend I'll do some vineyards and take it easy. When I get to work on Monday, I listen to all the shit that the rest of 'em have had to put up with over the weekend. The sort of things nightmares are made of. The kid got a broken arm, had to go to the eisteddfod, the missus made me wash the car and take all the garbage to the tip... I just smile and say, "On Friday night I got my rocks off, then went to the pub and picked up a bombshell and had one off with her. The next day I took her to the Rocks for breakfast and lunch, then to the opera and then porked her right here in the office. Then on Sunday I went to the vineyards, bought some plonk and then drank most of it before porking the bombshell again before putting her in a taxi".

I enjoy my lifestyle. It's not for everyone but it suits me.

Q. Blood Sucking Lawyers SUCK. FUCK YOU. I had a personal injury claim that I entered into on a "don't win don't pay" basis. You parasites skimmed off nearly all of my payout. What good is a cheque for 37 cents you bastards?

A. I ask you to look at the cost agreement that you signed. It does say if you don't win you won't have to pay us. If you do win, you do have to pay. You won! I can't believe anyone can still read through those agreements and not understand it. I really don't see how this is our fault or how we "suck" just because you asked us to help you and you won. Instead of talking us down you ought to show some gratitude. I didn't think we'd get up but we busted our arses on your case and you did get a payout. You're lucky there wasn't more photocopying, or we would have been sending you a bill then.

Q. I see that you're about to offer loyalty rewards, when's that going to happen, I think I have another embezzlement charge coming my way and I want to take advantage of any offers you might have.

A. Good to talk to you again. Well, I'll be honest with you. Whilst we're the top law firm to go to in Australia, perhaps the world, other firms are biting in to our bottom line by offering cheaper and largely inferior services. I suppose some people just look at how much litigation is going to cost them. Others, like yourself want to rely on the strength of our foundations and passed relationships. What we're doing is saying "Come back for some more fun and intrigue in court and we'll not only give you a good time but a good deal". What exactly we intend to offer at this time we're not exactly sure.

Q. I'm the owner of (censored) you say it's your favourite brothel. You probably remember that party we had the other night? Well, the next door neighbour is insisting that we cut down the noise in future. He's talking some shit about "quiet enjoyment". He yelled out "tell your lawyer if you've got one to remember Luna Park, I assume he thinks we're having too much fun. Can he make us do that? What about your quiet enjoyment.

A. Yes, under nuisance he might have some cause of action. Of course we'll just get the property spot re-zoned and possibly add some padding in the "Nipple and Testicle Torture Suite" if necessary. He should give and take a little. I'll discuss it in the jacuzzi with you on Friday. Perhaps we might have to cut out the whip and testicular torture games just for now.

Q. You seem to go to a lot of brothels, is this typical of the legal profession. I'd hate to think my costs were being inflated by claims for nipple clamps and dildos?

A. I do, in fact, some say to excess. I can't speak for the rest of the profession. It's not uncommon to wear a leather hood in these places so recognising colleagues is difficult but not impossible. I mentioned earlier that I worked hard and life has few pleasures for me. I don't smoke a lot, so the whore houses, bottle shops and tobacconists are amongst my only vices.

Q. I was going to ask a legal question but I'm fascinated by your personal life. Have you ever been married.

A. I'm sorry, I don't really like to talk about myself. What's your legal question.

Q. I understand that law is a really stressful job. Why do you stick with it?

A. A number of reasons. People made of sterner stuff, like myself, don't get as stressed out as some. I just love the challenge and the money is something else if you're good at it like I am. The stress, yes, it's there but I get that taken care of by a bevy of prostitutes, drugs and liquor. Sure, there will be the day that it takes its toll on me but we all have our crosses to shoulder.

Q. I've been charged $197,000.00 for fees in my personal injury claim. I find that hard to come to grips with. I only won $245,000.00.

A. I'll check the numbers again because the figure does seem a trifle low. The trial was off excessive length, I think nearly four days. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

Q. They say that barristers are merely overpaid actors. What have you got to say about that.

A. Alas poor Yorick, you fail to see that lawyers, and whilst I do concede, need some acting skills, they also need a thorough background in law. It really is pithy to bring such drivel to my attention.

Q. What do you think of legal aid?

A. Don't touch it myself. The budget for it is pathetic. If they started allocating proper amounts such as 16k a day for a criminal trial I'd consider letting one of my juniors attend. It's an outrageous situation.

Q. You sound just like another fat cat lawyer that over charges people that simply don't know the language of the court.

A. Thank you for your input. I must admit I tire with those sort of comments. I work long hours, up to 7 hours a day sometimes. I have hefty bills to ensure I remain up to date with current law as well as onerous and ruthless commitments to my staff and clientele. I rarely if ever get more than six weeks leave per year and that is often interrupted by court commitments to my clients that I never even charge for. I won't apologise for wanting to earn a decent living. This whole notion that we barristers are overpaid lackadaisical fat cats absolutely galls me.

Q. As a law student I'm finding that my interest of the law increases as I get further into my degree. I also realise that when I finish my degree I'll be hopelessly under equipped to deal with the whole process.

A. That's normal. I was once told that by the time I finished my degree all I would have would be a working knowledge of the the law and that my education would start once I got into practice.

I think that was largely true. Get into the best law firm you can. Anything else and you may end up a bonsai.

Q. I once heard a person high up in the legal system describe barristers and solicitors as "blowflies hanging around a carcass", of course you're not all like that but it really does say something about the profession.

A. For a second there, I thought you were including me.

Q. I see BSL doesn't have a branch in Perth. If I wanted you to defend me I assume I'd be up for airfares and accommodation right?

A. Yes, that's nearly all of it. You need to factor in a luxury jet rather than just "airfares". The business jet, preferably a Bombadier Global Express is preferred as it's quicker than most and flies higher as well. I like this model because it can accommodate my personal staff and a suitable number of "female travelling companions". Accommodation, yes as long as it's at the Hilton (don't forget my companions and staff) which is near the courts. There are meals as well as travelling allowance and photocopying. For say a three day trial, allow a very reasonable extra $149,000.00.

Q. Holy shit you pompous arse, that's incredible.

A. I thought it would come to more than that too.

Q. You disgust me. As a flight attendant I've had to put up with your behaviour twice now. You walk on as if you own the aircraft and then demand to be upgraded. You then ramble on about suing the airline for any one of a thousand reasons. I'm sure your association would love to hear how you abuse your position.

A. I could have hardly been that offensive because you upgraded me. Why do you have to take it so personally.

Q. Your company handled my personal injury claim. I "won" just over $40,000. BSL's account came to $79,000. Is that normal.

A. No, it would have been more but we rounded it down for you.

Q. You say you avoid or "loathe" criminal law. Why?

A. Well, I don't mind the higher end cases that bring in some decent reward. I can't tolerate the stuff in the lower courts. Where a defendant with a jaw like a dozer bucket, tatts and a singlet doesn't understand the concept of the rule of law. Sitting in the back row of the court in jeans and an unwashed tank top sits his squeeze and the children of varying background, some of them heavy smokers. They want expert services, expect the people to pay for it and will then commit several similar offences because he hasn't actually had to suffer any real loss. My personal feeling is that it is an area of law you graduate from, not aspire to join.

Q. To touch on legal aid. What's needed to improve the system.

A. Well, for starters we need a pay rise. Then we need more clients that aren't actually guilty. Of course we need competent solicitors to brief us and they need to be paid as well I can imagine that a solicitor might command a few hundred dollars a day. We simply need to have the cash. How does the gubberment expect us to defend these people in all seriousness. Damn, I can't see myself doing it for less than 16k per day. They need to decide if they want justice or not.

Q. You indicate that you drink, visit houses of ill repute and smoke and you say you don't have many vices. I find it hard to fathom that you can't recognise this group of shall we say, life choices, are vices.

A. You have got a point but I would say my crack habit, both women's and meth might fall into the aforementioned comment. I'm going to be more guarded in my comments so that it doesn't reflect poorly on my company. Thank you.

Q. I think it's pathetic. I've seen you parking in the disabled zones near courts. I'm sorry, but you've lost me there. What about those poor people that need those spots.

A. Yeah, they need to move the disabled spots away from the courts. Where else are barristers supposed to park when they're running late? If I get my way, the legal profession will get green stickers like politicians so that you can park where you want. That and a national holiday for us would be good.

Q. Don't you people give a rat's arse about your profession and your public appearance? I saw you standing outside the Downing Street centre the other day espousing public policy and then wondering out loud how poor people couldn't afford to travel. It makes me sick to think of the way you patronise others.

A. It's not really patronising. I know how much quality airfares are worth. Add on to that the cost of wine, companionship and five star accommodation. I haven't got a clue how people can travel, let alone do it in style the same way I do. It must be awful travelling in economy and catching a guided tour in a bus etc.

Q. What sort of games are you playing at. The other day at my trial you said I was dolly incapacks. I just asked another lawyer what that meant. I knew exactly what I was doing. Why did you have to make out I was some kind of idiot child?

A. Why didn't you ask me what doli incapax meant? I could have saved you the money and told you, you were an idiot to your face. Anyway, that got you off which is what I'm about. Let it not be said that Lex Loci doesn't give value for a fortune spent.

Q. You, yes you Lex. You're one of those parasitic lawyers, the snivelling scumbag lawyers that make sure my kids will never grow up to be a lawyer. I can't stand you parasitic arseholes that do anything to make a buck.

A. Hardly a question is it. Look, I'm damned proud of my profession. Particularly in the area of Torts, making sure that the cost of litigation is so high, the courts only have to deal with the most important matters. I'm sorry that you see me not as a noble professional but in a lessor way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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